actually, I'm a sock model
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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