Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
