If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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