I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
