Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
