my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
