I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
