This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
