does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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