Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
