Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
