I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
