Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!