I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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