I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
