i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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