i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
