Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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