i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
