Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
