Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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