Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
