I cut my penus on the lid.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
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