How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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