hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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