Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
