Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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