Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
