Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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