Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize