Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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