i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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