wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
