Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
