i love accidental penises.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
