Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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