After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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