You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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