she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
