he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
