The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
