Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
