Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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