Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
me + whiskey = a bad person
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
