TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
