Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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