She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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