Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
