Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
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I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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