I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
vagina is talking i cant
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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