they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
