dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
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