shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
