Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"