I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book