she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
