did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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