I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
