I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
All I want is dick and wine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
